


know you wanna see me naked

by Toast_Senpai



Series: when i get like this i cant be around you [3]
Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 02:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13378305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toast_Senpai/pseuds/Toast_Senpai
Summary: The denouement arrives. Alex is not prepared.





	know you wanna see me naked

Trott was testing him. He had to be.

Alex chewed without tasting his burger as he stared openly at Trott. He didn’t even care that they were livestreaming, that Trott must have known this too but perhaps _he_ didn’t even care.

Trott licked salt from each of his fingers. Made a show of it. Was chat saying anything? Alex didn’t want to look away, the flash of Trott’s tongue too enticing as it swept over his thumb, bottom lip pulling down, then bouncing back up when he was done.

Alex only thought it was a test because Trott was facing him. Ross was between them, but still. Usually they faced the cameras to eat, able to read donations and talk to the audience. This was different. Ross didn’t seem to notice or wasn’t interested. But Alex was. Very much so.

He’d had time to think. He came to the conclusion that if he was going to feel bad and regretful, he might as well let his yearning continue full force. Allow the desire to rip deeper into his bones and ruin him further. He didn’t care anymore. Alex knew nothing would come of it, except that maybe Trott was going to taunt him in that way of his. Like now.

Trott raised another French fry and pushed it past his lips. Alex wanted to refocus on what Ross was saying, but couldn’t be bothered. He liked watching Trott eat. It was more refined than his own way of shoveling food in. Trott was sure to not make any mess. Alex wanted to know what a mess would look like.

“Right, Smith?” Ross’ voice through his headphones, cutting his thoughts in half.

“Yeah,” Alex said. He stuffed more burger into his mouth, briefly let himself glance at his friend next to him.

Ross was giving him a weird side eye, something Alex knew to mean he had to start interacting more. He wanted to scoff, but his mouth was full and attention already being drawn back to Trott, who had started sucking on the straw of his milkshake.

Now _that_ had Alex pausing. The way Trott’s cheeks hollowed, his eyes lowered. It might have been too much, but Alex was a pro at letting images like these torture him without any outward change.

Ross kicked him under the desk. Alex gave a kick back.

* * *

Alex’s usual musings came to a halt when he saw Trott struggle to remove his clearly too tight sweatshirt.

He had been minding his own business at his computer, definitely not thinking about Trott in stockings, when the man in question had stood, complaining about it being too warm. It _had_ been pretty warm in the room, but that’s because it was freezing outside.

Alex let his eyes slide to Trott as he pulled at the material. It clung to his shirt and brought it up, put his bare stomach on display, and the shirt only climbed higher with another tug. Alex’s grip tightened on his mouse. The black shirt almost revealed Trott’s nipples, and it was a shame when Trott finally freed his arms of the sweatshirt and hastily pulled his shirt down, shaking his head to scatter his fluffy bangs.

Alex savored the past seconds, let his mind wonder what it would be like to have Trott completely naked. They’d gotten close to that, in the past. The shipping and receiving video shoot in particular surfaced in Alex’s thoughts. Trott had been stripped down, drenched in red wine then covered in bubbles, all in just a little pair of shorts.

Alex took a quick drink from his water bottle, swished it around in his mouth. Trott’s body was a little less soft now. It had more muscle, more hard lines. What remained was the same skin, the same freckles. Either way he wanted to see all that again, this time minus the shorts. How pink could he get Trott’s pale skin to turn?

It took a moment to realize Trott was staring back at him. Alex almost looked away, felt the phantom pull of his eyes but he forced them to remain still. Alex prepared for Trott to say something, ask a question, click his tongue. But nothing came of it. Trott sat down and returned his focus on his computer screen.

Alex counted that as a win.

* * *

This was a _very_ dangerous thing to be doing at work. Alex knew it, but he had reached the point where he didn’t care as much as he should have.

Maybe that’s what being obsessed with someone does to you.

He leaned against the bathroom door, cock hard in his hand as he jerked himself. It was Trott’s fault, of course. When wasn’t it? Alex had tried not to think about the jokes too much. A week ago he had barely said anything too bad, too implying, not like it had been before. But he had slipped back to his old self, or at least part of his old self.

It was too much fun, in the heat of a tense game to say you were going to fuck your best friend. It had always came out so oddly natural, and this time when he had said it, Trott’s silence had somehow hit him the right way. It didn’t hurt, but excited him more. Was that twisted? Alex almost laughed.

They were on a five minute break. He didn’t have long to get off, but he didn’t need more than a three minutes max to make this happen. Hell, he could even enjoy himself. Alex looked at his watch just to make sure he had enough time.

He closed his eyes and pictured bending Trott over the sink. He fucked into his hand and pretended it was Trott instead, tried to think of how their faces would look in the mirror, flushed and panting. Trott would be hot, no doubt, pushing back on him, and Alex would shove a couple fingers into his mouth, grunt into his ear that they had to keep quiet.

Alex’s fist sped up, so close. He wanted to mouth at the tops of Trott’s shoulders, at his neck. Bite little red marks into the pale flesh and have people ask about it later, be suspicious about how they had suddenly appeared.

The quick knock on the door almost made Alex yell rudely at whoever it was because he had been right on the edge and didn’t appreciate being interrupted.

“Smith?” Ross, of course. “Are you done yet? I really need a piss.”

Alex didn’t care. Maybe Ross should have left the room first, then. “Use the girls’.” His voice was a tad rough. He coughed. “I’ll be a minute yet.”

“You serious?”

Alex wanted to rip open the door and say yes, he was. But he didn’t. “Yeah. Sorry, mate.”

There was some grumbling, but Ross left. Alex took a deep breath, letting his mind sink back into his fantasy.

* * *

Recently, his thoughts had taken an apparent turn to something _more_. More carnal, more licentious. It wasn’t just about making Trott look pretty anymore. True, it had always been sexual, in some way or form, but now it was starting to get bad. And maybe not bad _bad_ , but bad in a way that Alex knew was bad, but he still thoroughly enjoyed it. He savored the way his mind could conjure up different places and ways he’d have Trott, how he’d get the man naked.

Where had the outfits gone? The makeup? Maybe his brain was taking a break from them. He still wanted that, definitely, but right now he was focused on other things. Much more simple things that were actually _not_ simple in any way because there’s no way he’d be able to get Trott to do any of it. This would undoubtedly be combined at some point with the outfits. Because as much as he enjoyed thinking about Trott wearing lipstick and sucking him off, he also took great pleasure in imaging Trott spread out on his bed with his legs up over Alex’s shoulders. _That’s_ what was currently on replay, and it was delicious.

He hadn’t let himself slip up again at the office since the last time. But at home those lewd thoughts circled and circled. Vultures, they were. Alex let them descend on his body, too. They picked at him and he relished every moment of it. At first there was a prickle of guilt, although soon enough that was gone, leaving only agonizing desire behind.

Only once did Alex wonder why he wanted Trott so much, why his heart twisted when he remembered the words Trott had said to him at the party. But he quickly realized it wasn’t worth analyzing so he stopped, because unless he asked Trott directly, he’d never fully understand.

And like hell he was going to ask Trott anything. He’d resumed their regular interactions, but nothing more. He couldn’t bring himself to talk anymore with the man. He kept it strictly work related. And that felt wrong, sure, except he had to. If he tried more, pushed Trott again like he had, he would surely lose it all.

Right?

* * *

First it was Ross who showed up at his flat. It was unplanned, and the minute Alex opened his door he was tempted to close it again.

Ross put a foot in and stopped the door. Alex gripped the knob hard.

“Hey,” Alex bit out. “What brings you here?” He swallowed down a spike of anxiety. “You coulda texted me.”

His friend shoved into the room, forcing Alex back. His wet shoes squeaked on the linoleum. Ross’ face was reddened from the cold outside, his coat and hair covered in a few snowflakes. His eyes were electric, and there was possibly some anger there. Alex didn’t want any part of this.

Surprisingly, Ross’ voice was calm. “Just thought I’d swing by. Maybe see if I could understand what was going on with you.”

“Hmm?” Alex turned and let his body float further into the kitchen, to a cupboard to find some mugs. “Want some tea?”

“Sure.” Ross took off his shoes and shrugged out of his coat. He sat at the mess of a kitchen table.

Alex filled a kettle and turned on the stove. He stared at the blue flame for a second before turning to Ross, arms crossed protectively over his chest. This wasn’t going to be good. There’s no way it could be. Maybe Trott had finally said something.

Ross sort of looked tired. Alex missed being able to see the silver strands in his hair ever since he started dyeing it. A shame, really.

Ross kept his eyes on a far wall as he said, “I know there’s something going on with you and Trott.” He had his hands clasped together on the table. “It’s starting to become really obvious, so don’t try to lie your way out of it.”

Alex shrugged. “Dunno what you mean.”

“Like hell you don’t.” Ross still didn’t sound angry, just a bit sad.

Alex felt the familiar sense of guilt creep into his stomach. “Maybe _you_ should explain.” No, that’s not what he wanted to say. “I can’t read minds.” He really didn’t want to hear any of this.

“Look.” Ross finally turned and met his eyes. “I was going to ask Trott, but I came to you first. You’re easier to get answers out of. You don’t hide things very well.”

Alex huffed a little laugh. “Okay.”

“This goes back farther than the party, right?” He stopped, pursed his lips. “What you said at the calendar shoot-”

The kettle’s whistle rose. Alex ignored it, but Ross wasn’t talking anymore. With a tense sigh, Alex turned off the stove and poured the water into mugs. He brought one over to Ross and motioned at the various boxes of tea on the table. Ross choose one.

Alex held his own mug of water. He really didn’t feel like having tea. Instead he felt like pouring the scalding liquid down his throat so he wouldn’t be able to talk, to have this conversation. It was too awkward, too difficult. He wanted Ross out of his place, didn’t want him interfering.

Even though a little piece of him was thankful for this. It was a chance to reveal something, wasn’t it? To confide in someone?

Alex pulled out a chair and sat. He had too, or else he would have sprinted to his room and locked the door and proceeded to punch something. What a _horrible_ idea. Tell Ross? Tell Ross what he had been thinking of Trott? No fucking way in hell was he ever doing that. He’d rather die.

Ross took a breath. “What you said then. You told me to distract the guys and you went into the changing room with Trott.” He left it there. Took a predictable sip of tea. Alex waited, looking just over Ross’ shoulder at a stain on the wall.

When Alex refused to say anything, Ross continued. “Are you going to tell me what that was about or am I just supposed to be left to wonder what happened?”

“It was over a month ago,” Alex said.

“So? I still want to know.”

Alex _almost_ told Ross to go fuck himself. To go ask Trott. But he didn’t. He chewed on his tongue. How could he lie his way out of this? It was obvious that something had happened between him and Trott. _Why_ had he made it so obvious? Of course Ross would end up being curious about it.

Alex gave another shrug. “I went to the toilet. Kind of had to go through that room to get there.”

Ross smiled. “You know, I thought that too. But then what you said to me really doesn’t lead to that conclusion.”

Alex pinched his thigh. He was caught, wasn’t he? He was going to be exposed. There wasn’t any way he could get out of this cleanly.

As Ross drank his tea, Alex’s mind was in overdrive, each heartbeat stinging. Could he really trust Ross with everything? Or even a little? They’d known each other for such a long time. Not as long he knew Trott, but long enough. They were close, but were they _that_ close? Alex hated the thought of uncovering his sick secret, of letting an outsider have a glimpse into what his mind had been thinking up, and what he had done.

“Are you…” Ross set his mug on the table. “Look, if you and Trott are like,” Ross waved a hand, “doing _things_ then I don’t really _care_ , but-”

Alex’s knee slammed against the bottom of the table and rattled their mugs. He coughed and apologized.

“Is that really it?” Ross asked, bewilderment on his face. “You and Trott hooked up?”

Alex wished it was so. How much easier this would be if only that had happened. How happy he would be if that had happened. Alex knew he couldn’t possibly agree to what Ross had said, because if Ross went to Trott to confirm, there would be even more problems.

“No,” Alex managed to say. He picked at his beard. Still he couldn’t meet Ross’ eyes. “We’ve never hooked up.”

“Oh.” Ross seemed confused. “Then… I don’t really know what else could be going on.” He raised an eyebrow. “Care to help clear this up?”

Alex put his elbows on the table. He couldn’t stop a shaky shrug. He felt cold, yet his face was on fire. His brain wasn’t suppling a good enough lie. He couldn’t cover his tracks. There was nothing but the truth he could say to get Ross off his back, was there?

“Smith, come on,” Ross coaxed. “It’s not like I’m going to run out and tell everyone. I know how to keep a secret.”

Did he? Alex dug a nail into a groove in the table. Maybe he could trust Ross with this. Was he ready to be judged, though? Could he go back to his daydreams and fantasies and beating off if Ross _knew_ he did that? Alex forced himself to stay in the chair.

“I just want to understand what’s gotten into you,” Ross said gently. “Sorry for pressuring you, but whatever it is, it’s starting to affect all three of us.”

Alex shook his head. Finally he was able to bring his eyes to Ross’. “Not yet. I can’t tell you yet.”

“So you will soon, then?”

Alex nodded. He didn’t know if this was another lie. It didn’t feel like one.

“All right.” Ross finished off his tea. “I can wait a little longer.” He stood, put his coat and shoes back on. At the door, he turned around and looked at Alex. “If it’s easier, you can always text me. Or send an email. Whatever it is you’re going through, you don’t need to be alone with it.”

Alex didn’t watch him leave. Once a few minutes past, he felt the tension crack off his skin, but underneath it was some simmering form of dread.

“This is my problem,” Alex told the kitchen. “I’ll deal with it myself, thanks.”

* * *

The next person who turned up at his house really did have him closing the door as soon as he opened it.

“Smith, what the fuck,” Trott huffed. He wrenched the door back open as Alex dashed to his room.

No, not this. Alex panted as he locked the door, body shaking. It had only been a day. Had Ross said something to Trott? He must have. Why else would Trott be here at almost ten pm on a Monday?

Over his breathing he heard the sound of Trott moving around in his house. He’d go away, wouldn’t he? Alex could just say he was ill and didn’t want to spread it. That would work, wouldn’t it?

Trott knocked on his bedroom door and Alex felt his heart constrict. He moved away, as if there was a fire sneaking through the cracks. Alex stared at the door. Trott could probably bust it down, if he wanted. Do some kick to the handle and be in here in a couple seconds.

None of that happened.

“Why are you hiding?” Trott asked. “It’s not like I’m going to attack you.”

Alex, as scared as he was of confrontation, felt a thread of excitement. He knew what he wanted to say and quickly stepped back over to the door, not knowing where the confidence came from but acting on it.

“Can’t say the same for me.” He tried not to growl it, but his voice was oddly deep. He was desperate to hear Trott’s response.

“I won’t take anything, I swear.” Trott was amused, then. Alex felt frustration drip into his veins. “I didn’t come to burgle you. I just wanted to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Alex felt like parroting cliché lines might make this go a little quicker, get Trott out of his house.

The thought hit him hard, low in his stomach. Trott was in his space, right there, on the other side of the door. Just a few inches of wood separating them. He could open the door right now and corner Trott, push him up against something and do what he had been aching to for weeks now.

Except he couldn’t, because that wasn’t the right thing to do, nor was it good to force himself like he had already _two times_. Alex bit back his groan and rubbed his forehead against the door. There was no way to win at this, was there?

“Smith? You didn’t climb out a window, did you?”

“We’re on the second floor,” Alex mumbled.

“I think you’d survive the jump. There are some nice hedges below for you to land in.”

Alex let himself smile, because it felt natural to do so. But it left quickly. Trott seemed his usual self, and that raised the alarms even more. Alex stayed quiet, waiting, heart ready to lurch at the inevitable.

“Are you going to open the door? Or are we going to do this how our parents used to?”

Alex wanted to trust himself to be able to face Trott, to be able to control himself. He wanted that normalcy so much. But he knew that would be too much to try right now, when he was feeling especially vulnerable.

When he said nothing, Trott continued. “Where should I start?”

Alex squeezed his eyes shut. Was this going to be a recount of everything that had happened so far? He couldn’t stand to hear that. It was too much.

“I’ll just say one thing first, I guess.” There was the sound of Trott leaning against the door. “I just want you to be honest with me, okay? Answer my questions with yes or no. I’ll keep it simple.”

Alex didn’t know if he could do even that… but he’d try. For Trott, he’d try.

A pause, then Trott said, “Did you want to kiss me during the calendar shoot?”

Alex’s hands balled into fists. He pushed his forehead harder into the door. “Yeah,” he said after a minute, as loud as he dared. It wasn’t fun to say, wasn’t a nice feeling to confess. It almost felt fake this way, not being able to see Trott.

“Would you still have kissed me at the party if you weren’t drunk?”

That was a harder one. Alex thought about it, how he had avoided Trott the entire night so that he could drink too much alcohol. How he’d confronted him. “No.” It was a pain to get out, but it was true.

The silence that stretched was much longer this time. Alex started to itch, and he turned around, pressed his back to the door like he thought Trott must be doing. He pretended to be able to feel the heat seeping through the wood.

“Do you want to do more than just kiss me?” Trott’s voice was so low it was almost impossible to understand. But Alex heard it, and he wanted to run.

This was it. He’d been caught red handed. How exactly, he didn’t know. Alex covered his mouth, trying to breathe just through his nose to calm himself, but it felt like he was on the verge of a real panic attack. The pressure built in his chest. Trott was going to press him to answer, and he wasn’t going to be able to.

Unless he lied here. He could simply say no, and maybe Trott would go. But then what? Would he really leave Alex alone? And there was still Ross to deal with. It was all too much right now. He couldn’t sort his thoughts properly.

Why didn’t Trott just ask if he liked him? That’s how these things usually went. It was so much easier that way.

“Don’t make me repeat it,” Trott prompted. “I can though, if I must.”

Alex slammed a fist into his own chest. Fine. _Fine_. If Trott insisted on tearing down the walls, then fine. Alex didn’t want it this way, but to hell with it. Trott was going to be like _that_ and there was no way to shake the man off any other way, and Alex was getting sick of lying.

He grabbed the door knob so tight his hand ached. “I can’t fucking stop thinking about you, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

No hesitation. “Open the door, please.”

“No,” Alex bit back. “Fuck you.”

“If that’s what you want to happen, open the door.” Trott was toying with him now. Riling him up on purpose. It was fun, wasn’t it, to make Alex slowly go insane.

“Leave,” Alex said. “Please,” he added, because maybe it would help.

It didn’t.

“There’s no way I’m leaving after a confession like that.”

Alex bit into his lip until his teeth pierced the skin. “So have your laugh. Then leave.”

“Why the hell would I laugh?”

Alex blinked, his rising anger deflating. He licked the blood from his lip, suddenly suspicious. Why wouldn’t Trott think his infatuation funny? He didn’t know what to say. What _could_ he say?

“Just open the door,” Trott tried.

Alex quietly undid the lock as he said, “That isn’t a good idea.”

“Open it and we’ll find out.”

Alex clenched his teeth. If he opened the door now…

“Smith. Alex, please.”

…what would happen? Could he trust himself not to do anything rash?

“We aren’t getting anywhere. Just open it.”

No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t, and yet his hand was turning the knob, the rotation agonizingly slow. The click was going to come, and then Trott would _know_. And then Alex wouldn’t be able to hide this anymore.

“Alex. Listen to me for a second, okay?”

Alex stopped turning the knob.

“Whatever this is, whatever you’ve been feeling… it’s fine. I’m fine with it.” A pause. “I’ve thought it over. I want you to tell me everything, please. And I promise I won’t be disgusted or anything else you’re probably thinking I’ll be.”

The click finally came. Alex stood in front of Trott, knowing he had been defeated. Knowing that all he had hid until now was going to be in the light for Trott to examine.

Alex barely felt like he was there. He looked at Trott’s face, at those dark eyes he loved so much. It was still hard to speak, but he managed. “I just like you a lot. That’s all.”

“I already knew that,” Trott said, and his voice was soft, kind. “But there’s something more, isn’t there?”

Neither moved. Alex gave a jerky shrug. He licked at the blood still on his lips, and the sharp flavor of it grounded him.

“A lot more,” he admitted.

Trott very slowly held out his hand. “Let’s go to the living room and talk about it. I’ll make some tea.”

Alex didn’t take the hand and he didn’t move. “This isn’t something you chat about over tea.”

Trott dropped his hand. “All right.” He nodded towards Alex’s bed. “Is it something we should talk about over there, then?”

Alex felt like Trott was teasing him again. He briefly closed his eyes, took a deep breath. “Don’t try to be cute.”

“I’m not.” When Alex looked at him, Trott was serious.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to talk about it, actually.” Alex knew he was getting cold feet. He felt the heat leave his body, any confidence he may have had drained. This was too fast. Too much too soon. Maybe he’d never be able to discuss this.

Trott took a step forward, past the threshold. He was in Alex’s room now, just barely. Alex wanted to move back, but he remained still. Trott looked up at him.

“Do you want to show me instead?”

The words left Alex unable to breathe. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

Trott gave a small smile. “I know what I’m asking for, by the way.”

Alex looked at the floor, heat coming back to him suddenly, warming his ears. He was too embarrassed to do this. There was no cover of alcohol, no door between them. Trott was right in front of him and it was _too much_.

“Do you want that?” Alex’s voice was strained. “If you know what you’re asking, do you _really_ want that?” He didn’t know if he himself wanted to hear the answer. He was giving Trott a way to back off, to get out of this. He met Trott’s gaze.

Trott’s eyes flicked to Alex’s lips, then back up again. “I’d like to try.”

Alex knew he was shaking. He knew his skin was covered in goosebumps and his hands were sweating, but it didn’t stop him from getting closer to Trott. He swallowed, wondering briefly if this was all some messed up dream. But it felt too real, so it couldn’t be all in his head.

He leaned down, and Trott met him halfway. The kiss was different this time than the other. It didn’t feel like the one had when he was drunk. There was an unexpected tenderness to this one. It overflowed his heart, and he felt a calmness he hadn’t in a while. Trott was pushing back, and even though it stung his bottom lip, Alex endured it.

When they stopped, Trott was smiling wide. “That was nice. Except I think you’re still bleeding.”

Alex wiped his mouth with a hand. “Sorry.”

“You need to stop hurting yourself.” Trott grabbed Alex’s hand as it was falling. He gave it a warm squeeze.

Alex could only nod. He didn’t try to pull his hand away, just let Trott hold it.

“So?” Trott prompted. “Is there anything else you want to do?”

Trott’s eyes were so bright, filled with something that Alex didn’t know. Maybe hope, maybe something else entirely. But he finally felt at ease. Trott was accepting this part of him, the outside, just the shell he’d managed to peel off.

“Not right now,” Alex said. “Later.” How much later, Alex had no idea. But later.

“Okay.” Trott let Alex’s hand go. “I can agree to that.” He took a small step backwards. “I’ll go now. Shoot me a message or something when you’re ready, all right?”

Alex said he would.

Trott gave him a quick wave as a goodbye, and left quietly.

There was a sense of numbness. Alex sat on his bed, a rush of drowsiness hitting him. He didn’t know what to think of all this yet, but the war inside his head had finally ceased and there was no clear winner.

He slept, heavy and dreamless.

* * *

It only took until the end of the week for Alex to send Trott a text. He had spent each day sorting everything in his mind, going over how he wanted to say it, how he wanted to reveal those deepest bits. Surely he would feel embarrassment, and guilt, and maybe regret- all the things he’d already felt flashes of before. But he was ready, because to not do it would be worse. It was time to end the torture.

Trott came over on Saturday afternoon, looking so nice in his wool pea coat, the contrast with his hair pretty enough to leave Alex a bit speechless at the door. Trott grinned at him, two cups of coffee in his hands. Alex let him in. No door slamming this time. No running. No hiding.

He’d cleared the kitchen table, but Trott said he wanted to be in the living room.

Alex stood to the side as Trott flopped onto the sofa. He nodded towards the spot next to him and Alex shuffled over. They sat with space between them. Not much, but some.

Trott handed him the coffee. It was his favorite roast, with just a little cream. He’d always taken it like that, and Trott _knew_ , of course he did. How long had they been together? Most of their life.

“I won’t ask any questions,” Trott said. He was turned just slightly, giving Alex his full attention.

Alex sipped at the coffee and he, too, tried to face Trott, to remain relaxed even though his back was going stiff with tension. The coffee warmed him, kept his clammy hands from getting too cold.

“Just talk whenever you want to, about anything.” Trott offered a smile.

It took Alex until he had half the coffee gone. He let himself lean back into the sofa, eyes roaming his living room without actually seeing anything. When he finally did speak, he started at the easiest spot: the makeup. Then the fascination with outfits. It was hard at spots, to admit he thought a lot about Trott in weird clothes.

“I don’t think they’re weird,” Trott said. “Sorry, I shouldn’t interrupt. Go ahead.”

Alex like the reassurance. It helped. He tried to put lightly some of the things he wanted to do to Trott, though not being blunt was more difficult. Trott listened, not talking the entire time.

When Alex was finished with it all, their coffee was gone and the sun was giving the sky an orange glow. It slotted in through the blinds, setting the living room alight with a sherbet tones.

Somehow, Alex felt proud of himself. The regret wasn’t there anymore. Instead, he was content. Pleased, even. The only thing left was to hear what Trott thought about all this.

The man had shed his coat halfway through, and he looked overly comfortable tucked against the arm of the sofa, knees pulled up, head tilted against the back cushion. He hadn’t looked away from Alex the whole time. Their empty Styrofoam cups sat on the table. It took a little while before Trott spoke.

“You have a surprising amount of self-control.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “I clearly don’t.”

“You never tried anything with me besides those two times. I’m actually impressed.”

Alex didn’t know whether to take that has a compliment or not.

Trott stretched his arms out in front of him. His hands weren’t very far from Alex. Close enough to touch, if he wanted. “Maybe you should have, though.”

Alex inhaled sharply. “But at the party-”

“You were drunk. How was I supposed to know if you were serious or not? I _know_ drunk you, and drunk you doesn’t really know what he wants.” Trott pushed out a leg, let his foot tap Alex’s thigh. “If you would have tried to kiss me at the photoshoot, I would have let you. Or anywhere else, I would have let you. Always.”

Alex felt how his face was warming, how he didn’t think he could love Trott more than he already did. But when he said those kinds of things-

“You didn’t need to spend so much time fighting with yourself,” Trott said. He looked sleepy. “I don’t think I’m worth it. It’s all pretty flattering, though.” His smile secretive.

Alex knew they could argue about that all night, so he didn’t say what he wanted to. Instead, he grabbed Trott’s foot and pushed his thumb into the sole, where he knew Trott was ticklish.

The surprised laugh Trott gave was lovely, and Alex pulled off the sock in his way and didn’t stop until Trott had tears in his eyes and almost kicked him in the face.

Trott lay boneless on the sofa, his legs in Alex’s lap, chest heaving. Alex hid his grin behind a hand. The room was dusky now, deep blues and purples, shadows thrown long against the far wall. The street lamp outside gave everything a yellow outline. It was so quiet, save for a passing car, the distant bark of a dog.

Trott finally sat up and leaned into Alex’s side. He was pleasantly warm. Alex wanted to hug him, but he stayed still. Not yet.

“So,” Trott drawled. “Ross really thought we hooked up?”

“Yup.”

“Hm.” Trott pushed against him. “Maybe we should make that a reality.”

Alex pushed back, just a little bit. “You mean as a one-time thing, or…?”

“Definitely _not_ just a one-time thing,” Trott clarified. “Unless that’s all you want.”

“You know that’s not-”

“I know,” Trott laughed. “Sorry. Still can’t really believe it. Okay, I can believe some of it, just not that you actually jerked off at work.”

“I wouldn’t lie about that.” Alex groaned. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned that part.

“I guess you wouldn’t. That’s kinda hot, actually.” He moved his head forward, caught Alex’s eyes. “I hope I’m invited to the next session.”

Alex knew that Trott knew there would probably not be another stunt like that. Still, it was an intriguing idea. “Of course,” Alex said.

“Good.” Trott kissed him, just something quick. It made Alex’s heart flutter all the same. “So should I be going, or can I stay the night?”

“The sofa is always free.” Alex still wanted to be careful. Just in case. Even though he knew he probably didn’t have to be. Not anymore.

“While it’s comfortable, you _do_ have a king bed. You can’t possibly use up all that space yourself.” Trott sounded mock offended. He was close to Alex’s face, breath still smelling of coffee.

“I guess there’s room for someone as small as you,” Alex teased.

“Rude.” Trott gave a light swat to Alex’s shoulder. “Let me stay, and I’ll forgive you.”

Alex was quick to say, “Deal.”

Trott stood, and held out his hands. “Then take me to bed, sunshine.”

Alex laughed. He grabbed Trott’s hands.

This was far better than any daydream he could think of.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a joy to write... Pining Alex working through his feelings is probably the most fun I've had writing in a long time. I'm happy I could give him what he deserved, in the end. While writing this I ended up listening to DJ Khalid-Wild Thoughts (Medasin Remix) on repeat, which is also where all the titles came from. Anyway, thanks, everyone, for reading!


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